Something very alive for me right now is my struggle around the word No. Now seems to be the time to look at this as I’m getting a big jab of awareness in my side to address it. I’m in slight shock because there seems to be a charge with the word no in almost all of my current interactions. This shows up by:
- Struggling to say no and putting other people’s needs before my own
- Avoiding situations where I might receive a no making it really hard to ask for what I want or need
- I’m avoiding people thinking that I am ‘too much’, ‘too selfish’, ‘too cheeky’
What I have literally discovered this afternoon is that I am equating a yes with receiving love and a no with rejection or a withholding of love. This discovery all feels a bit monumental for me. How would life look if I truly connected with what I really want to do, rather being the massive people pleaser that I am?
I thought that I had cracked the ‘desperately seeking love from the external’ issue in regards to relationships. These days I genuinely have a sense of loving myself and not needing a boyfriend to provide that love. What I didn’t realise (enter jab in the side) (owch) is that my unconscious seeking for love is showing up ALL over the place, in all of my interactions and it seems to be majorly connected to my no and my yes.
This all boils down to self love – I can totally see it now. If I truly loved myself then receiving and giving a no wouldn’t matter, asking for what I needed wouldn’t matter, and how I’m perceived wouldn’t matter so much. I’m not relying on the external for love, that love is happily simmering away within.
This feels like a real invitation to slow down and really wake up to my automatic responses with people and situations. It reminds me of the book ‘Loveability‘, which essentially says that when you know you are loved, a lot more is possible than if you hold the belief that you are not loved as you are acting from a place of fear. For me this comes from a really young place and oh my goodness – an outdated belief system. It feels really empowering to step out of that, step into adult me and take real ownership of this one precious life. This is going to take real practice at being rooted in myself and in love.
What perfect timing that I am attending a self love workshop this weekend to further integrate my learning. Wowsy, what a great insight.