A couple of weeks on and the dust has settled after working at Osho Leela’s two week Sexuality Gathering. What a great opportunity to put into practice my tantra training and further integrate my learnings. I experienced the full spectrum of my sexuality during the festival, amazed at how grounded and open to the unfolding I was, being constantly surprised by what shows up when I’m not seeking and resting in myself instead. Truly loving my body, my fullness, my sexiness, my sensitivity, my receptivity, my yes, my no – my RADIANCE. Here are the elements which contributed to my expansive, delicious, yesness experience…
Grief and Breathwork
I participated in a Shamanic Breathwork workshop lead by Elaine Young and a Re-Birthing session lead by Deveraj. Every time I do any kind of breathwork I have a really deep experience. I feel like I’m an earth goddess with energy pouring through my body, swirling me around, shaking me about and putting me into spontaneous heart opening postures. When I’m not feeling completely blissed out with a huge smile on my face, I have a huge outpouring of grief. A number of people have spoken to me about how in Chinese Medicine the lungs are viewed as storing grief. So it is unsurprising that breathwork is a catalyst for opening and releasing such deep sadness within me. The importance of this in regards to my sexuality is the more I can grieve my childhood attachments, the more I can open to love.
Awareness = Intimacy with Life
The next workshop set me up for the two weeks, a meditative awareness workshop with Jonny Baker. In my sleepy state, Jonny invited us to rest in our breath and imagine that our skin is breathing. Amazingly I could feel the skin on my arms open and my whole body became super sensitive. He then asked us to bring awareness to what we saw, felt, and witnessed and to include thinking just as another part of the ‘something’ that is happening. Such a simple exercise rooted me inward, bringing an exquisite intimacy with myself which rippled out across the festival duration. A deep knowing and understanding that I have all of the love I need within myself, that I don’t need to seek it externally. I felt myself flying from the rooftops when I brought awareness and presence to the moment, gifting myself with aliveness, an intimacy with life, with nature, with source.
By day two I was beaming, radiating the love I felt gliding through my body. I was in my feminine, not needing to step towards things, everything I needed showing up or stepping towards me. A new way of being that was fascinating me the more I surrendered to being receptive. I remember John Wineland talking about the gift of the feminine being the ability to conduct love through the body. I completely understand what that sentence means now beyond the words, I feel love streaming through my body and the magnetic impact that it can have.
The Sacredness of Sexuality
The festival really cemented my appreciation for the sacredness of sexuality. This was particularly highlighted in Temple Space held by Sophia Sundari, which shifted something deep within me. It highlighted that I have been waiting for a partner to bring the sacred. What a great reminder to bring my expectations inward and to show up in the qualities that I’m attracted to or seeking in another. Another element of sacred sexuality is connecting with people on an energetic level. I find it an incredibly vulnerable experience when people interact with my energy, more so than my physical body being touched. I participated in an eight handed touch structure (lead by Sy and Ash), where I completely surrendered, being at ease in my sensitivity, recognising that I need minimal touch as energetically I am so open. Connecting with others in this state is a completely ecstatic experience.
I was triggered once during the festival which quite frankly was a bloody miracle – but testament to the work I have done over the past year. What great lengths I go to in order to avoid being triggered though. I have neat little safety nets set up across my life so that I don’t need to deal with any unexpected pain. When I am triggered though I am always amazed at the learning and growth that can come from it, it gives me confidence to be a little more bolder, to take risks, to open my heart a little more. This one particular trigger gave me the insight that I have been addicted to drama regarding an ongoing situation. Once I realised this, it meant that I could choose to let it go, I was ready. It opened up the question of where else in my life am I addicted to drama? The other beautiful thing about the trigger was that I knew exactly what I needed and so asked a friend to hold my heart whilst I felt my pain and cried out what was needed. It felt like such a delicate and beautiful process to do with a dear friend.
Being able to manage myself and the relationships I made was key to the smoothness of my festival experience. I was able to openly address any potential attachments, have regular check in’s with people, not get swept up in fantasy, was able to slow down and be in my yes, my no and my pause. I was able to receive several no’s and not have my world cave in which was monumental. I have memories of leaving an event about a yer ago because I received a no.
There is so much more to share like the incredible morning Belly2Belly sessions with Rachel and Buster who I have been following on social media for the past year. It was such a treat to work with them in real life and look forward to attending their weekend workshop in September. Other blow away moments included connecting with my sisters in the community with immense depth, showing our vulnerability and being real with each other. Having daily sharings with the community and being witnessed in my fully expanded state. Making new friends, deeping my existing friendships and feeling part of a fabulous community.
Needless to say…I am in my joy in the world of sexuality, in such an expansive and heart opened space which provides a clear clue as to the direction I want to continue in. Thanks to Mateo for encouraging us/me to follow my hearts true desire and be in a space of love. The festival experience has deepened my connection to myself and to source, trusting in a power greater than me, trusting in the unfolding, the not knowingness of life, allowing me to let go of the constant need for control and answers. What an epic experience to have in a place I currently call home!
Thank you Osho Leela ♥