Last year was about expansion and understanding the full power of being a woman. This year there has been contraction… nature moving through me, I open and I close. There has been such gold for me in this contracted place. As my external life crumbles out of perfection and into chaos I am faced with the source of my own loveability. Falling into my default core beliefs of unworthiness, unloveable, not enough-ness. I check myself out in this place, curious about how my body feels here, how my emotions are, how my thoughts are. How my automatic ways of being drive me towards the things that will get external love and validation. The awareness brings me choice, I’m at ground zero, I can choose to move forward as I was or build myself up from a very different place. Blossoming out into spring, with gold in my hand and love in my heart and a humble power from this contraction. The light, the shadow both so rich in it’s teachings. An invitation to deeply love myself in the chaos and the perfection – what a wonderfully important initiation this is turning out to be….
When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I really saw the depth of my own beauty and could see my body with kindness and love. Hallelujah – because my inner body critic has been super present recently….and it is exhausting battling her.
When I’m feeling grounded, I can rest in my body, be in a place of love and acceptance and really experience my inner radiance and vitality. If I feel off balance, or a bit wobbly on the inside (like I have recently) then this is the time where my body critic comes to the foreground. I’ve learnt that my body image struggle goes beyond my actual body and goes beyond the food that I choose to eat (although it plays a key role in how I feel about myself). I now know that this fixation on my body simply masks a deeper feeling of vulnerability. When my perceived “faulty” body becomes a stuck record in my head, I hear it as a screeching alarm announcing that there is a part of me that is feeling scared and vulnerable and that something needs to be shared or acknowledged from within. When the voice underneath my critic has been heard and my inner needs are responded to, then the strength of my critic dissolves. I know that the fixed complaint is NEVER just about about my body, a whirlwind of emotion is cooking up on the inside.
Over the past year, I have been questioning… who is this body critic part, whose voice does it represent, why is this part so active at certain times and not at others? The answers have enabled me to understand my process – especially when I’m in the thick of it when my inner critic is boss. When I’m in battle with her, I have a crack of light peering through the negative illusion, the awareness of truth shining through. It takes practice, and a commitment to be with myself. When I’m feeling a bit bleurgh then this is exactly the time not to abandon myself, to be with myself in my struggle, frustration and mess, knowing that these feelings will pass once I can hold my vulnerable parts with tenderness and love.
The body love journey continues…..